Amare Sine Timore
by moomin102
Summary: Slightly AU. Ali and Emily are together and in love, while lovesick Spencer is left alone, trying to keep her heart in check. How will she deal with her own feelings when the rockiness of her friends' relationship comes to light? Rated M for later chapters.


**AU fic were Alison didn't disappear and instead started dating Emily.**

**R&R please :)**

**Spencer's POV**

"I'm S-Spencer Hastings, and I'm…I…uh…" I stutter to my reflection. It's something that I found on a self-help site. Apparently talking to yourself is no longer a sign of insanity, but a way for you to 'progress through a difficult experience or situation'.

Whatever. It still feels pretty crazy to me.

Despite that, I'm going to keep trying. "I'm… Spencer Hastings and I… I'm… I think…" I let out a growl, frustrated as I turn away from my shameful self. I have never been scared to speak my mind, so why can't I speak it in my own empty bedroom, with no one but myself to hear me. With no one here to judge me.

I face the mirror again and look myself over, trying to see me the way that my friends do. They haven't noticed that I'm unhappy, that I have been for a while now. They don't see the mess that I'm constantly hiding inside. They just see confident, smart, loyal Spencer.

If I was so confident, I'd be talking to my family and friends about this, not a mirror. If I was smart I wouldn't be so confused right now. I'd know what to do with all of this. And if I was loyal… well, if I was loyal then I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

All I see staring back at me is a face full of pain and anger that I have no right to feel. I see a lost little girl, needing something that she shouldn't even want and not knowing where to turn next. I see a girl who's scared and embarrassed by her own mind.

And at the moment, I see a lot of self-hatred.

I hate myself because I know inside of me that I'm not all that scared, and I'm not at all embarrassed. But I can't seem to get that message across to my body. My lips won't release the words that I know to be true, that I have learned to accept. And my face muscles can't seem to relax from their worried, guilty expression. Even though I think that I'm mentally prepared, I physically can't understand that this does not make me a horrible person.

After staring at myself for a long while, I sigh. I've got to get this out.

I lock eyes with myself. "I'm Spencer Hastings, and I am… I'm… ARGH!" I kick hard at the wall beside my mirror, the anger I'm feeling keeping me from caring about the pain it caused. This is getting ridiculous now.

"Ok. I can do this. I _need_ to do this," I chant to myself as I face my reflection for what I am determined will be the final time.

"I am Spencer Hastings and… and… I'm a drug addict." Ok, that wasn't what I've been trying to say but at least I'm talking to myself properly now. As weird as that may be.

"I'm Spencer Hastings and I'm…uh… I'm pregnant."

"I'm Spencer Hastings and I am a kleptomaniac."

"I'm Spencer Hastings and I'm a psycho killer."

'Ok, Spence, talking to yourself isn't too bad. No one's replying. No consequences. Let's do this.'

"I'm…" another sigh, "I am Spencer Hastings, and I'm… I think… fuck."

One more deep breath and I begin to see a hint of the real Spencer appearing in front of me at last.

The tiniest smile touches my lips for a moment. I finally look comfortable enough in my own skin. I know that I'm ok.

"I am Spencer Hastings… and… and I'm gay."

Relief washes over me so quickly that I have to sit down. I don't understand how it can feel so good to say that to nobody, especially since the fact has been confirmed in my head since my two best friends got together a few months back. But now that I have verbalised my feelings, I feel that a huge weight has been lifted. At least for now, until actually coming out becomes an issue.

Looking at myself sitting on the carpet, I finally feel calm. There are many more problems that go along with this private confession, but for now I'm content.

A few minutes later I hear the click of my neighbour's back door. I stand and approach the window, peering down at the scene before me. Alison and Emily, sharing a soft, slow kiss, before parting with smiles and a few hushed words.

Then Emily leaves. And Alison goes inside. And I have a very familiar ache in my chest.

I lean my head against the cool glass, my guilt returning in full force.

"I am Spencer Hastings. And I am in love with my best friend."


End file.
